Squall Harvey News
by Aaron D
Summary: All the news that's fit for print...errr, radio, I mean---Stand by for News!


  
**_NOTE: For the duration of this story, it is assumed that Squall's middle name is "Harvey," although no indication of this is present in any of the official literature, or, for that matter, anywhere._**

_Squall Harvey News and Comment on GBR, featuring Squall Harvey Leonhart, is brought to you today by CLR, Ginsana, and the Dollet Teddy Bear Factory. And now, Squall Harvey..._

Hello, Galbadians, I'm Squall Harvey. Stand by for news! You know, if there's one situation that truly defines "tragedy," it's when your home is devastated by Cactuar infestation. But now, there's something you and your family can do to protect yourselves from this terrible possibility. That's right, CLR can keep your home safe and Cactuar-free. That's CLR: Cactuar Light Reduction. CLR prevents those pesky denizens of the desert from utilizing their ability to go invisible, which lets you shoo them out the door all the easier. Remember, the next time you're at your local department store, ask for CLR. That's C-L-R. 

Three Galbadian soldiers lost their lives yesterday in the wilds of the Centra continent. Why does the government even allow our boys to be at risk over there? The oil reserves are almost completely dry now, and the wasteland is totally overrun with lunar monsters. When will our politicians learn that their actions have consequences? 

It just so happens that there's a quaint store, on a little-traveled street in Balamb City, where Beulah Harcourt has been selling apple-head dolls for over forty years. Oh, she offers a great many other knick-knacks, including hand-made sculptures, whittled wood art, and even a few sand paintings, but it is the apple-head dolls which define this small shop in Balamb. It was with these dolls that Beulah first began her business, back even before the Great War between Galbadia and Esthar had broken out, and they are still sold there today. Alas, such will not be the case for long. Beulah will be closing the shop next month, and things in Balamb will never be the same. If you want to experience a true piece of history, I recommend you visit Beulah in her place of business within the next thirty days. I know I'll be taking one last trip there myself. Maybe we'll see each other there. Now, page two... 

Sometimes, we all have trouble with our memory. Sometimes---and I need your undivided here for a minute---we need a little bit of help. That's we why have Ginsana. Ginsana, with the most powerful combination of ginseng and gingko biloba ever to counteract the damage of even the most powerful Guardian Forces. It's a dangerous world, and you just can't go walking around without protection. But even the protection of a GF has its risks. What good is it to be physically safe if you can't remember your wife's name when you return home? That's why we have Ginsana, available in tablets and capsules. If you still have your doubts, I'll let you in on a little secret. Every pharmaceutical product we endorse here on Squall Harvey News goes under three tests of effectiveness. One: it is tested by the experts at the Galbadian Broadcast Radio Board of Standards. Two: our friends here at Squall Harvey News do their own research. Three: yours truly, Squall Harvey himself, personally uses the product. That's how you can be sure Ginsana works. I've been a heavy GF user since my fifteenth birthday, but thanks to Ginsana, I can remember even the smallest of minutiae from my daily routine. 

The world gets smaller every day. Thanks to the final defeat of Sorceress Adel, once again we can safely and conveniently use the airwaves to broadcast and supply our informational and entertainment needs. Indeed, the reinvention of radio itself, not to mention the program to which you are currently listening, is one of the benefits of the cessation of the worldwide signal interference. Recently, the government of the Dollet Dukedom announced it would allow use of its powerful communications tower for broadcast of the GBR to all corners of the world, including the thoughts of yours truly. 

Congratulations to Marna and Noel Rabisk of the lovely coastal village of Winhill. Today, Marna and Noel have been married for 73 wonderful years. If only more marriages could stand the test of time. 

On the foreign front, I heard that recently a certain aide to Laguna Loire, President of the Republic of Esthar, was recently found in position. Apparently, the gentleman was out carousing in the not-inconsequential nightclubs of said city, when he, after consuming one too many alcoholic beverages, stripped naked and began streaking amongst the many buildings, shocking many of the populace. Unfortunately, the man had no comment, as he is unable to speak. He would want me to mention his name... 

Now, page three... 

(LOCAL BREAK) ****

He was a renegade cop, looking out for the residents of a crime-ruled slum!.. She was a afternoon talk show host with a heart of gold... Find out how they both save the day together in: "In Sin Denied"---this month in Timber Maniacs! On newsstands starting the 13th! 

Deling City police are searching for the perpetrators of the latest in a number of daring bank robberies. Their latest target was the Fourth National Bank of Galbadia. Heaven only knows what their pattern may be, but police chief Richard Nickson says he expects to have the robbers in custody soon. 

And our own Deling Knights are headed for the championship in the Galbadian Basketball Association. Not since the days of point guard Laguna Loire have we seen such prolific scoring from the Knights, although it has been mentioned that this year's team is probably more well-rounded than the famous "Dream Team" of '74. In a related story, Timber Foxes coach Phil Jackson said, and I quote, "Go to hell, you cocksuckers!" The Knights are favored by the oddsmakers in next week's championship 12 to 1. 

Congratulations are in order for Tyren Grobel of Fisherman's Horizon. Tyren reached the age of 117 years young this week, making him the oldest man in the known history of the world. Of course, the oldest woman in history was the Sorceress Matine, who lived to be 369 before being justly executed by the people of the Shumi tribe, whom she'd cruelly enslaved. Now, page four... 

Is your mother or grandmother's birthday coming up? You know, Christmas is only a few short months away. I know, you don't want to worry about gift-buying; it's too much of a hassle and you don't have the time. Why not make things easy on yourself and buy Mom or Grandma a made-to-order bear or bear set from the Dollet Teddy Bear Factory? Every Dollet Teddy Bear is made individually for your order. You can even request a litter of "cubs" you can specifically name to represent children or grandchildren. Don't settle for mediocre gifts anymore. When Mom or Grandma opens that present this year, make it something special: make it a gift from the Dollet Teddy Bear Company. 

Galbadian General Caraway has great reason for pride. The General's daughter, Rinoa Caraway, came out this week at the Jewel Debutante Ball at the prestigious Ritz Hotel in downtown Deling City. Young Miss Caraway danced the night away with several beaus, including most prominently a certain newsreader with whom you are well acquainted. 

The famous Doctor Odine claims he has come up with a new breakthrough in magical technology. Apparently, the good doctor's latest innovation involves a use of para-magic heretofore unknown, which causes any crooked used car salesmen (or women) within a hundred-mile radius to spontaneously combust. Rumor has it the staff of Neill's Finance Plaza has already been decimated, though those reports are unconfirmed. 

For what it's worth, a young man of less than reputable character decided to break into a house in Timber last Wednesday. He managed to steal a valuable painting, over twenty thousand Gil's worth of jewelry, a stereo entertainment system, and many assorted trinkets. Unfortuantely, after taking off his jacket, he failed to notice his checkbook had managed to find itself a way out of his pockets. He was, of course, arrested mere hours after his semi-successful getaway. Squall Harvey...Good day! 

_APOLOGY FROM THE AUTHOR: To the 97% of the readers who, after finishing this "story" (thank you so much for actually reading all the way through) and are still saying "What the hell was that?", this entire thing was a parody of "Paul Harvey News and Comment," which is a radio program you may never have heard of. If you're curious, check out one of the country- or news-oriented radio stations in your community (even if you live in LA or New York, so I've heard) around 7:30 AM or noon, and you can figure out exactly what's going on. For the three of you who actually understood the reference and found this funny, God bless and please post a review so everyone can know how much of a genius I am. ---ADR _


End file.
